


All That Glitters

by PeachyRenjun



Category: NINE PERCENT (Band), 偶像练习生 | Idol Producer (TV)
Genre: Codependency, Coming Out, Emotional Sex, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicide Attempt, Unconventional Formatting, idol/fanboy AU, mixing of english and chinese gay slang, no one actually dies though i promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-08
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-13 23:28:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16901832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeachyRenjun/pseuds/PeachyRenjun
Summary: Xukun is a college student doing a year abroad when he begins randomly chatting online with a secretive boy about his age named Theo who shares Xukun's obsession with the idol group NEX7.





	1. Part 1 - Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so first off, trigger warnings here because this is a darker one: There is a suicide attempt in the fic, including what is essentially a suicide note. If you've struggled with suicidal thoughts before, this fic might not be the best one for you to read. In addition, there are some parts which either imply homophobia or use explicitly homophobic language.

_ Ah, it sounds so nice! _

_ Zhu Zhengting is so handsome !! _

_ Please take care of your health, Ge, we love you so much! _

 

“Are you watching that boy band again, August?”

Xukun looks up from his computer. His roommate is sitting across the room at his own desk, a genetics book open on his desk next to his computer. His roommate is, Xukun likes to think, the embodiment of the All-American stereotype. He’s white, but with a tan that’s nearly darker than his blond hair, and Xukun’s honestly amazed how the other can be a sciences major with how much time he spends playing sports. After all, college here isn’t like college in China, it’s the  _ hard  _ part of the education system in America.

“Their new music video came out this morning before I woke up,” Xukun says, switching windows back to his homework. “I just wanted to watch it once before I started on my essay, you know.”

“Sure, bro,” his roommate responds, only somewhat sarcastically. “If that’s what works for you.”

They’ve been roommates for over a semester now, and it’s taken that semester for Xukun’s roommate to become resigned to the fact that Xukun really, honestly, likes a boy band. Xukun’s not terribly masculine, at least not by American college-student standards, and besides, his roommate probably thinks it’s some kind of cultural difference. There’s not that many mainland Chinese at the college, even with the exchange program that Xukun’s taking part in for the year, and Xukun doubts his roommate has ever talked to a mainland Chinese other than himself for more than five minutes.

Half of an essay later, Xukun picks up his phone and opens WeChat, hoping that one of his friends will have messaged him. No such luck greets him, though, and he’s left to instead scroll through their moments and watch them all having  _ so much fun _ on their weekends back in Shanghai. In a moment of boredom and desire to actually talk with someone in his own language, he presses the Shake button. Taking a glance at his roommate and seeing that he’s not observing, Xukun gently shakes his phone until a contact name appears on the screen. It’s a girl though, if they’re being honest about their gender, and the screen name is some over the top pun that just makes Xukun groan. Deciding to try again, he shakes his phone again. After a few more girls, he’s matched with a boy. THEO, his screen name reads, with a nondescript piece of sheet music as his picture. Deciding to try his luck with what might be a foreigner, Xukun taps on the other’s name. 

 

**August 徐坤** : Do you speak Chinese?

 

It seems like the most pertinent question, what with the other’s screen name. He knows there’s not too many foreigners on WeChat, but he’s seen enough not to assume. The response comes back, typed, thankfully, in Chinese.

 

**THEO** : Yes! I’m from Anhui haha.

**August 徐坤** : Oh cool. Your name just made me think you might be a foreigner

**THEO** : Oooh. I see :) This is just a nickname of mine, hah. Plus, you have an English name in your screen name, too.

**August 徐坤** : Yeah, but I have my  _ actual _ name too

**THEO** : Fair.

**THEO** : So why were you looking for someone to talk to?

**August 徐坤** : Bored and wanted to talk to someone in Chinese for once. I’m on exchange in America for a year and there’s basically no other Chinese on my campus. You?

**THEO:** Same as far as boredom goes. I just got home from work and none of my roommates are talking to me tonight haha. I think they’re fed up with me trying to give them advice.

**August 徐坤** : Should I be worried you’re going to try to give me advice, then?

 

THEO sends back a gif of a toddler laughing. Xukun doesn’t know whether he should laugh or facepalm. Maybe both.

 

**THEO** : Nah, I reserve that for my roommates. I’m the oldest in our apartment, so I feel like I have to take care of them, you know?

**August 徐坤** : You’re a good Ge then, haha

**THEO** : I wish they’d think so too, but thanks.

**August 徐坤** : How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking?

 

The other seems pretty young by his messaging style, but you can never tell. Xukun would rather know for sure, especially if he talks with the guy again.

 

**THEO** : 23. You?

**August 徐坤** : 21

**THEO** : Aww! You’re like a baby!

**August 徐坤** : Am not

 

THEO sends back another meme. Xukun wishes he could say it’s annoying, but on some level, it’s actually kind of nice. Like home. Because Chinese memes just have a different feeling than American memes, and no matter how many months he’s been here, how fluent his English becomes, there’s always going to be some part of him that resonates better with the humor of home.

 

**THEO** : Okay, maybe not a /baby/, but you’re still young.

**August 徐坤** : Whatever you say, oh wise one of 23 years

**THEO** : Hah. 

**THEO** : What did you do today?

**August 徐坤** : Not much so far. School work, mostly

**August 徐坤** : I watched NEX7’s new music video earlier today, though. That’s probably been the highlight of my day so far

 

Xukun drums his fingernails against the table as he waits for an answer. The other has been prompt about answering before, but now it’s been nearly a minute with no answer. Xukun knows that it’s considered weird for guys, especially guys his age, to like boy groups, but he’d hoped that the other wouldn’t make it a reason to stop talking to him.

 

**August 徐坤** : Please don’t judge me for that haha

**THEO** : No, no haha. I don’t think I can judge you for that at all, even if I wanted to.

**THEO** : I’m just not really used to talking to other guys who like NEX7, you know? I think we might be an endangered species.

 

Xukun breathes a sigh of relief, and actually feels his heart begin to beat a little harder in his chest. He doesn’t want to stereotype, but if the other likes NEX7, that means there’s a pretty good chance the other is like him.

 

**August 徐坤** : Haha yeah. I think you might be one of the only others I’ve ever talked to, actually

**August 徐坤** : Whose your favorite?

**THEO** : Hmmm….Probably Quanzhe. He’s just too adorable.

**THEO** : You?

**August 徐坤** : Zhengting. Definitely Zhengting

**THEO** : You seem pretty sure about that one. Any reasons why?

**August 徐坤** : I mean he’s basically perfection in human form, but other than that…

**August 徐坤** : He just seems like he’s both responsible and playful at the same time and like… that’s something I just really admire. Plus he’s super talented, but we already knew that

**THEO** : Haha. Really though, you seem really thoughtful about him. It’s almost admirable how you admire him.

 

Xukun keeps talking to Theo, deciding to mentally drop the rest of the capitalization in his name. He has a feeling he’ll be talking to this guy again, and that kind of capitalization is just exhausting. 

 

**August 徐坤** : I think I’m going to have to get back to work on my homework, but I’d really like to talk with you again if you want :)

**THEO** : Alright! I should probably make sure everyone here is getting ready for bed, haha. Message me whenever you feel like it (there’ll probably be a lot of reply delays because of time difference and stuff, but I do want to talk to you again:))

**August 徐坤** : Alright :)

 

Xukun sets his phone down, letting out a happy sigh and leaning back in his chair. He looks across the room, seeing his roommate giving him a look, one eyebrow raised.

“What?” Xukun says, pouting at the other. “I was just talking with a boy.”

His roommate smiles and bites his lip at that, like he’s trying to contain his laughter. “Of course you were, August.”

 

\----

 

**THEO** : So you said you were in college, right?

**August 徐坤** : Yeah

**THEO** : What major are you studying?

**August 徐坤** : Music. Disappointing the family and all that

**THEO** : Come on, I’m sure you’re not disappointing anyone. Even if your parents disagreed with your choice, I’m sure they still love and care for you.

**August 徐坤** : My parents were fine with it, actually. Everyone else wasn’t, but they were

**THEO** : See, you’re not disappointing them, then.

**August 徐坤** : It doesn’t mean other people don’t tell me I am, though. Like seriously, I got into such a good school and then I “threw my opportunity away” by studying music

**THEO** : Do people really tell you that?

**August 徐坤** : Yeah

**THEO** : Don’t listen to them, then. If music is your passion, you shouldn’t let anyone tell you that it’s not worth it to pursue it.

**August 徐坤** : I used to want to be an idol, you know

**THEO** : Used to?

**August 徐坤** : Yeah. You have to give up your dreams when you grow up, and all that

**THEO** : You’re still studying music, though. So you’ve not given it up entirely. There’s still some part of you that has that dream, even if the way it manifests isn’t exactly what you originally wanted.

**August 徐坤** : You’re right, I guess. Maybe

 

\----

 

**August 徐坤** : So what do you do for a living, since you’re not in college?

**THEO** : Dance.

**August 徐坤** : Would you like to be a bit more specific?

**THEO** : Nope.

**August 徐坤** : You’re a mysterious man, theo

**THEO** : I aim for that, yes.

 

\----

 

**THEO** : How was your day today?

**August 徐坤** : Not the worst, not the best. I had a math test

**THEO** : Why are you taking math if you’re a music major?

**August 徐坤** : Wanted to see how the Americans taught it lol. Then I realized that I haven’t taken math since senior high and I kinda suck ass at it especially in english but here we are lmao

**THEO** : You truly amaze me sometimes, Xukun.

**August 徐坤** : I can literally feel the sarcasm all the way across the pacific ocean

**THEO** : Your brain is simply fascinating, alright? Like that is such a stupid decision that I’m having trouble processing it. Give me like a day and then I’ll come back and yell at you over text for it.

**August 徐坤** : Audio messages exist for a reason, you know

**THEO** : Are you /asking/ me to yell at you?

**August 徐坤** : I don’t know mr mysterious, am I?

**August 徐坤** : Maybe I just want to hear your voice for once, hmmmmm

**THEO** : I will not cave, Xukun.

**August 徐坤** : If you say so…..

 

\----

 

**THEO** : So my roommates are being idiots again.

**August 徐坤** : What did they do this time?

**THEO** : Take a guess and I’ll tell you how far off you are.

**August 徐坤** : Arguing about whose turn it is to do the laundry?

**THEO** : Nope, but about as petty.

**August 徐坤** : Someone stole someone’s shirt and now they think they need to get revenge?

**THEO** : You are surprisingly close.

**August 徐坤** : Underwear instead of shirt

**THEO** : Eww, no.

**August 徐坤** : Tell me then

**THEO** : One of them /accidentally/ took another’s shirt and now the owner of said shirt has confiscated every pair of the “thief”s socks. He’s declared that he’s holding them hostage until the other stands up at dinner and announces to the entire group that he is a shirt thief.

**August 徐坤** : How old are these people?

**THEO** : Too old to be doing this.

 

\----

 

**August 徐坤** : Can I tell you something?

**THEO** : You tell me a lot of things, but go ahead.

**August 徐坤** : There’s a reason I like NEX7, more than just because of the music

**THEO** : What’s the reason?

**August 徐坤** : You know all those behind the scenes tapes and interviews where they all talk about their trainee days and what made them want to become an idol?

**THEO** : Yeah. 

**August 徐坤** : So I kinda knew about their music and I was looking into a few interviews for fun when I came across those tapes and I just...the first time I heard zzt speak I felt so relaxed and he was just so relatable with like all of my childhood dreams and I just

**August** **徐坤** : I started listening to his voice before I went to sleep, like, just because it helped to get over the insomnia and worries, you know? Like I know it sounds weird but it actually helped

**THEO** : I mean out of context it sounds weird, but everything involving idols sounds weird out of context. I’m glad it helps you, though.

**THEO** : How long have you had insomnia?

**August 徐坤** : It must have started in the last year or two of senior high. Gaokao preparations driving me insane and all that

**THEO** : I know what you mean.

**THEO** : It didn’t go away once you got into college, though?

**August 徐坤** : Nope. Once one stress was removed, others appeared, you know? It wasn’t school anymore, but it was friends and performances and being away from my family and wondering if they were alright because I didn’t want to call them too often and bother them

**THEO** : I know exactly what you mean.

**THEO** : The worrying eats away at you after awhile, doesn’t it?

**August 徐坤** : What do you worry about

**THEO** : My roommates, our future, my family, the way people will perceive me. What’ll happen if people find out the things that I won’t tell anyone.

**August 徐坤** : So you have secrets, then. From people other than me

**THEO** : Everyone has secrets. And honestly, I think I might have fewer secrets with you than I do with most people in my life.

**August 徐坤** : But you still won’t tell me your real name, or let me hear your voice or see your face

**THEO** : Necessary evil, Xukun.

**August 徐坤** : Do you have to be ominous about literally everything?

**THEO** : The universe is pretty damn ominous on its own. I just point it out.

 

\----

 

**NEX7 Leader Zhu Zhengting Allegedly Caught on Video Kissing Male Korean Idol Hong Eunki**

 

_ Elicit security camera footage from a Korean apartment building where idol Hong Eunki lives has been leaked to the media. The footage allegedly portrays idol group NEX7 leader Zhu Zhengting embracing the Korean idol as he leaves Hong’s apartment. The two engage in what appears to be a kiss before Zhu leaves and Hong returns to his apartment. _

_ It is unclear how the video leaked, and both idols’ agencies have issued requests for the original video and reuploads of it to be taken down. Neither idol, nor their agencies, have yet released a statement regarding the video. _

 

\----

 

**@NEX7-朱正廷**

 

_ I know that there have been many questions that have been directed toward myself and those around me lately. In the interest of being honest, I plan to answer some of those questions here. I’m writing this knowing that what I say may be of detriment to my future career, and my agency even advised me against publishing this. However, I think it would be worse to lie to you to preserve my own career when it is already obvious what has happened. _

_ While I do not wish to speak for Hong Eunki, and I will not comment on his sexuality or motivations in the situation, I admit that it is the two of us portrayed in the video. Further, I wish to make a personal admission that I know will be difficult for many of you to hear. I’m gay. I know, in writing this, that I am betraying the trust that many of you have given me, but I want you to know that I am being as honest as I can in order to gain some of that trust back. I know that that will be a long, difficult, and perhaps impossible road, but I hope that those of you who are willing will continue to walk beside me. _

_ In light of the controversy surrounding the situation, the agency and I have decided that it is best for me to temporarily step down from my position as NEX7’s leader and take a hiatus from the group. I hope that you all will continue to support NEX7, and that you will support Bi Wenjun as he assumes the role of NEX7’s leader. _

_ I apologize for the controversy that my actions have caused and I thank you for your understanding. _

 

\----

 

**August 徐坤** : So Zhengting is a gay icon now

**THEO** : You’re taking the news well, I see.

**August 徐坤** : I mean

**August 徐坤** : We gay boys need someone to root for

**August 徐坤** : Theo?

**August 徐坤** : Please tell me you’re not a homophobe

**THEO** : No, no, of course not.

**THEO** : I just chose the worst possible moment to leave my phone and go make food.

**THEO** : I’m gay too.

**August 徐坤** : Oh thank god

**THEO** : What do you mean by that?

**August 徐坤** : I mean they do say that the best way to fall in love with someone is to tell them all your secrets

**THEO** : Are you flirting with me?

**THEO** : Xukun. Answer me.

**August 徐坤** : What do you think?

 

\----

 

**THEO** : I always feel worse in the winter, you know.

**THEO** : It’s supposed to get better by Spring.

**August 徐坤** : What’s wrong?

**THEO** : The sun isn’t shining as much as it should, people are disappointed in me, the existential angst of the universe is weighing down on me. Take your pick.

**August 徐坤** : You don’t deserve to feel this way, theo

**THEO** : That doesn’t change the fact that I do.

**August 徐坤** : I don’t want you to, though. If there was anything I could do, if I could fly across the pacific and hug you until you felt better, I’d do it. Believe me

**THEO** : I believe you.

**THEO** : I also know that that’s not possible.

**August 徐坤** : I can at least call you, though. Maybe hearing my voice will make you feel better

**THEO** : Thanks for the offer, but we both know that’s another thing that’s not possible.

**THEO** : I’ll be fine, Xukun. Really.

 

\----

 

**THEO** : How was your day?

**August 徐坤** : The usual. Some white kid challenged me to a dance battle and I had to metaphorically beat his ass

**THEO** : I didn’t know you danced.

**August 徐坤** : I’m a man of many talents

**August 徐坤** : Honestly, though, dance isn’t really my favorite. I’m more of a rap kinda guy

**THEO** : If that’s what you’re going for, I guess.

**THEO** : At least you’re dancing for someone.

**August 徐坤** : As compared to what?

**THEO** : Dancing without an audience. It’s the kind of thing that gets tiring surprisingly quickly.

 

\----

 

**August 徐坤** : So not to be TMI or anything…

**THEO** : And that’s how I know this is going to be TMI.

**THEO** : Continue.

**August 徐坤** : Where on the 0 to 1 scale do you fall?

**THEO** : Well you managed to exceed my expectations for how overly personal you were going to be.

**THEO** : 0. You?

**August 徐坤** : About a 0.9

**August 徐坤** : Don’t act like you’re fed up with me, theo, I see right through you

**THEO** : An answer like 0.9 demands elaboration.

**THEO** : I absolutely despise you, Xukun, and you know that.

**August 徐坤** : I mean Zhang Yixing exists and if he told me to bend over and take it I don’t think I would hesitate for even half a second

**August 徐坤** : But like. Only Zhang Yixing

**THEO** : So even if Zhu Zhengting told you to, you wouldn’t?

**August 徐坤** : Listen, do you look at that man and think that he could dominate anyone?

**THEO** : I don’t know how to respond to that, and so I won’t.

**THEO** : Goodnight, Xukun.

 

\----

 

**August 徐坤** : How are your roommates doing?

**THEO** : They’re...distant. I think that’s the best way to put it.

**August 徐坤** : What do you mean by distant

**THEO** : I fucked something up and now they’re all angry about it and disappointed in me but they don’t want me to know that. So instead they just avoid me all the time, which is pretty damn difficult since we live together.

**THEO** : I feel like I’m being shunned in my own home, honestly.

**August 徐坤** : That fucking sucks man

**THEO** : Hah. At least I have a lot of alone time to sort out my thoughts.

 

\----

 

_ The stage looks so empty without our precious leader… We still support you, Zhengting _

_ How can people still be supporting this group after they discovered the leader was a fag? Even the sissy himself knew that they’d be better off without him _

_ Honestly, I hate to admit it as someone who used to love zzt so much, but the group is probably better off without him now _

_ Stay strong, Zhengting! We’ll wait for you! _

_ Wenjun is a better leader than Zhengting ever was, and he’s only been the leader for a few weeks now. Really goes to show, doesn’t it? _

_ Listen, I support the gays, but I don’t think they should be in idol groups. Isn’t the whole point that they’re supposed to be the dream boyfriend? _

_ The fag should be grateful he’s on hiatus and not just fired. Who the hell wants to support a gay idol? _

 

\----

 

**THEO** : Do you ever get the feeling that the people around you would be happier if you weren’t there?

**August 徐坤** : I mean, sometimes, but that’s not exactly the most healthy thought process

**THEO** : I know.

**August 徐坤** : Tell me what’s wrong

**THEO** : I can’t.

**August 徐坤** : What do you mean you can’t?

**THEO** : I just can’t. This is one of the secrets I have to keep.

**August 徐坤** : You don’t have to keep secrets, Theo. I trust you with my secrets. I want you to be able to trust me with yours

**THEO** : I’m sorry.

 

\----

 

**August 徐坤** : Theo

**August 徐坤** : Are you alright

**August 徐坤** : Theo please

**August 徐坤** : You haven’t messaged me in nearly two weeks, I’m worried

**August 徐坤** : Theo

**August 徐坤** : Please just let me know that you’re alright, alive even. please

 

\----

 

Xukun slides out of bed and walks across to his desk, opening his phone and turning off his alarm as quickly as he can to avoid giving himself a migraine. His roommate is already gone for the day, possibly to breakfast, possibly to some kind of unreasonably early sports practice. Xukun doesn’t know, and he doesn’t particularly care to find out either.

Xukun opens WeChat, noticing that he has a few new notifications. There’s a message from his mom, and one or two from his friends in Shanghai, but it’s the notification from a few hours before under Theo’s contact that catches his attention: [video].

Theo hasn’t sent him anything in weeks, and moreover, in the months that they’ve been talking, Theo’s never sent him even an audio message, let alone a video. Xukun takes a deep breath and then taps to open their chat, and seeing only a white wall as the video’s display frame, taps to play it.

“Xukun, I’ve been lying to you.”

Xukun’s heart catches. He knows that voice.

The video shifts away from the wall, blurring for a few seconds before it settles on a face, a face that Xukun has seen hundreds of times before. His skin tone isn’t as even, and he has prominent dark circles under his eyes, but it’s definitely him. “I’m sorry for not telling you who I am, but I’m sure you can guess why that wasn’t possible.

“And--I’m also sorry for what I’m about to do. I’m sorry for dragging you into it, too, but if I told anyone else they’d stop me. You’re too far away for that, though, aren’t you?” Zhengting looks away, smiling bitterly. “I needed to tell someone, though. And I’ve already told you so much, I guess you were the only person I could tell in any case.” He takes a deep breath before looking back to the camera. “I’m thankful to you, you know. You’ve kept me sane for the past few months. I doubt I would’ve lasted this long without you. But it’s getting too hard to hold on.

“I see their disappointment everyday, Xukun. Not just the fans, or the public, but Wenjun and Quanzhe and Justin and the rest of them. They put all of their faith into me, and I let them down. I put my own desires above the good of the group, and now we all have to suffer for it, myself most of all. I know I’m only going to disappoint them more when I do this, but just like when I decided to be honest with the world, I’m doing it to atone for what I’ve already done.”

Xukun feels himself shaking, twitching, his fingers aching to tap the video and stop Zhengting from continuing. But he can’t. All he can do is sit and pray that Zhengting doesn’t mean what Xukun thinks he means and watch in horror as the man he loves talks about destroying himself.

“I’m sorry for this, Xukun, because I know how much you love me,” Zhengting says, standing up. “I know that I’m going to disappoint you too. But I know that you’ll find some other idol to hold onto the way you held onto me. I’d say that the love you feel is fake, that it’s only admiration and idolization and misdirected fantasies, but I’ve only talked to you for a few months and still I sometimes think that I love you more than I love myself. Maybe that’s just fake too.

“I should end this before I run out of time, shouldn’t I?” Zhengting looks back into the camera as he sits down on the edge of a bed. “Goodbye, Xukun. Don’t be too sad when I’m gone.”

The video ends, and Xukun sits there. Frozen.

No.

He’s not sure which part hits him first, only that it hits him in waves that crash on top of each other in quick succession. Theo is Zhengting. Zhengting is Theo. Xukun has been talking to Zhu Zhengting for months, has told him all of his secrets and his fantasies and maybe fallen in love with the sarcasm so evident in his punctuation. Zhengting is sorry, Zhengting thinks he let him down, Zhengting feels guilty for something that he didn’t do, something that was never his fault.

Zhengting is gone.

Zhengting is gone.

Zhengting is gone, and there’s nothing that Xukun could’ve done to save him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so 1) the second part of this is already planned and being written. It'll overall have a more traditional format than this part, but I thought this format was the best way to convey this sort of plot in the first half. Let me know what you thought about it.  
> 2) While the WeChat Shake function does in fact exist, I'm probably stretching the functionality of what it actually does here.  
> 3) The 0 and 1 thing is Chinese gay slang, basically equivalent to bottom and top. I used the Chinese version here because of how you can pick numbers in the middle.


	2. Part 2 - Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This definitely ended up longer than I intended. I hope you enjoy.  
> Also: please use condoms.

**Former NEX7 Leader Zhu Zhengting in Hospital Following Overdose on Sleeping Pills**

 

_Earlier this afternoon, former leader of idol group NEX7, Zhu Zhengting, was admitted to a hospital in Beijing following an overdose on sleeping pills. His agency has released a statement that he is in stable condition, but the group’s activities for the next week have been postponed or cancelled. The other members of the group have been silent so far, but fan reports say that they are staying by Zhu’s side in the hospital as he recovers._

_While it’s unclear whether the overdose was accidental or not, some have speculated that it may have been a suicide attempt. Earlier this spring, Zhu stepped down from his position as leader of NEX7 and took a hiatus from performing with the group after he was revealed to be a homosexual. Some believe that the shame and stress from the controversy may have driven him to overdose. However, there have been no reports confirming or denying this accusation, and it seems unlikely that Zhu or his agency will address this rumor._

 

\----

 

There aren’t enough words--in English or Chinese or both languages combined--to explain the relief that Xukun feels in the moment he reads the article. Zhengting is safe. Zhengting is okay. He’ll be okay. And then it’s the feelings that follow in the moments after, only an hour after he’s seen the video, the feelings that he didn’t have time to deal with when he thought that Zhengting was gone.

Zhengting lied to him. Xukun can’t say he blames him, given the circumstances, but it still makes him feel lost. How much of Theo--this person that Xukun thought he knew--is really Zhengting, and how much of Theo is just a character that Zhengting made up to make Xukun trust him? He could ask it the other way around, too, to wonder how much of a character Zhengting is, but that’s a question he’s been asking himself for months, years, even, before he started talking to Theo. Because Zhengting has always been too perfect to _not_ be a character.

With a sigh, trying not to seem too stressed or emotional--his roommate’s back, and he really doesn’t need anymore questions right now--Xukun picks up his phone and sends a message to Zhengting.

 

 **August 徐坤** : Glad to hear you’re okay. call me when you can. and I mean call, alright?

 

\----

 

The phone call comes at 9:30 am the next morning, when Xukun is sitting in a lecture hall listening to the professor drone on about multivariable calculus. It’s only two weeks before the final exam, and Xukun almost silences his phone on instinct, but then he sees the contact name and immediately accepts it, pressing it between his ear and shoulder as he stands up from his seat and walks out of the room as the TA shoots him a dirty look.

Safely in the hallway, Xukun leans back against the wall. “Hello?”

“ _Xukun.”_

Xukun’s heart hammers in his chest. It’s not the first time he’s heard Zhengting say his name, of course, but he only watched the video once. It was all he could bear, even after he knew that Zhengting was alright. To hear Zhengting’s voice again, saying _his_ name, knowing once again that he’s really talking to Zhengting, that the video wasn’t just something his mind made up, is nerve-wracking and exciting all at the same time.

“Are you doing alright?” He gets the words out without too much trouble, surprisingly.

He hears Zhengting’s breath, hears the hesitance and then the sigh. “ _I’m fine now. It’s the first time I’ve been alone since I’ve been here. The others were with me all night last night, and I don’t think they would have left tonight unless the managers had forced them to go back to the dorms to sleep.”_

“I’m sure they’re all worried about you.”

Zhengting sighs again, swallowing before he responds. “ _Quanzhe was crying for hours yesterday after I woke up and I just, I couldn’t--”_ He cuts himself off. _“Is it bad that I didn’t expect any of them to cry?”_

Xukun feels his heart sink in his chest. “Zhengting.”

“ _And now I’m stuck here for the next few days while they make sure that I’m not going to try to do it again.”_ Xukun’s not sure if he sounds angry or frustrated or what, but he knows that this is not the Zhengting that the public sees. “ _I_ _’m scared, Xukun. Because I’m a liability now, aren’t I? Before, I might’ve had a chance of returning to the group, but I could just tell once I woke up that the managers didn’t look at me the same way they used to. It’s only a matter of time before the agency ends my contract and I’ll have nowhere to go and nothing to do. I can’t even go home, because I’m too ashamed to see what my parents must think of me now.”_

Xukun takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes and letting his back slide down the wall as he makes a snap decision, despite every worry and every warning of distrust that his mind tries to send him. “I’ll go back to China in a few weeks. You could stay with me and my family. They know about my sexuality and everything, I’m sure they’d be fine with you too.”

He hears Zhengting’s breath hitch, and he can almost imagine the way that Zhengting must be shaking his head. “ _Xukun, that’s more than I can ask of you. I know you trust me, but I’ve lied to you so much. We’ve never even met before. I don’t deserve your kindness.”_

Xukun, now sitting, lets his head fall forward against his knees. “You don’t get to say whether or not you deserve my kindness, Zhengting. I know you lied to me, but I don’t care. You still need someone to be there for you, and if I can be that person, then I’m more than willing to do that for you.”

Zhengting sighs. _“I’ll let you know, alright?”_

“Promise me one thing before you hang up, okay?”

“ _What is it?”_

“No matter what happens, whether your contract is ended or not, whether you take me up on my offer or not, you don’t try to do this again.”

Xukun hears his own heart beating louder as Zhengting hesitates to answer.

“ _I won’t. It would hurt you all too much if I did_.”

 

\----

 

Xukun steps off the plane half-exhuasted, hair ruffled with clothes wrinkled, and never more excited and nervous to be back in Shanghai. After passing through customs, Xukun drags his too-heavy bag toward the entrance to the metro as he pulls out his metro card and tries to work out the route he needs to take to get to the hotel on the west side of the river.

The hotel is less extravagant than Xukun would’ve expected, but maybe they were trying to avoid attention. That would make sense, wouldn’t it? Xukun finds the room number, taking a deep breath to calm his nerves before he knocks on the door number that Zhengting had texted him.

Zhengting opens the door, looking a centimeter or two shorter and slightly less perfect than Xukun had always seen him in videos and on stage, but also looking no less nervous than Xukun himself. Zhengting gestures him into the small room, closing the door behind him as Xukun tries to find space to fit his bag that won’t completely block them from walking around. “How was your trip?”

Xukun tries to wedge the bag between the bed and the wall, even though it’ll be a tighter squeeze than entirely necessary. “Alright. Exhausting, but any flight over ten hours is. How are you doing?”

“Alright. The other members almost didn’t let me come here on my own,” Zhengting chuckles. “They’re so easily worried about me nowadays, even though they don’t have any obligation to care anymore.”

“They do have reason to worry about you,” Xukun replies, deciding the second half of his statement isn’t worth arguing right now. Zhengting just sighs.

Zhengting sits on the edge of the bed, and, not quite knowing what to do, Xukun sits beside him, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Xukun,” Zhengting says, and Xukun looks him in the eyes and feels his breath stop. “I know you must have a lot of questions. So if you want to ask them now, you can go ahead. Even for things you think might be overly personal. I’ll try to be as honest as I can.”

Xukun thinks for a second, and then asks the first thing that comes to mind. “Did the other NEX7 members know? Like, before the scandal.”

Zhengting leans back a little on the bed, stretching his arms out behind him. “About me being gay?” Xukun nods. “Yeah, they knew. None of them are homophobic or anything, the only reason they were disappointed in me was because I let the world know. If it had been a secret forever, they would’ve been fine with it.” Zhengting laughs bitterly. “My family had no idea, though. My parents thought I was the perfect son, the kind who’d grow up and marry a pretty girl and give them perfect little grandchildren.” He sighs, the type of sigh that tells Xukun to change the topic.

Xukun nods, taking a deep breath before he asks his next question. “What happened with Hong Eunki?”

Zhengting takes a deep breath. “Less than you probably think.” He looks away. “We’re friends, and I knew he was gay, and he knew I was gay, and we were horny and lonely and what was supposed to be a casual movie night while I was in Korea for a week turned into almost fucking on the couch. It was just that one time though, anyway. The footage leaked months after it happened.”

“So you were never together?”

“No,” Zhengting says. “Not romantically.”

Xukun bites his lip. “Have you ever had a real boyfriend?”

“No. I was always too busy, or it would’ve been too much effort to hide.” Zhengting sighs. “Why is that one of your questions?”

He meets Xukun’s eyes, and Xukun never should have underestimated Zhengting’s stare and the power it holds over him. “I--” He takes a deep breath. “You can tell me if I’m crossing a line here, but I think that I like you. Not just as an idol, but as a person. Romantically.”

Zhengting blinks. “Xukun, everything you’ve seen about me is things that I’ve wanted you to see. Yes, most of it is true on some level, but it’s always been edited to show my best sides. You don’t know the way that I sing badly in the shower or how I can leave my clothes all over the room on my bad days or the way that I get too annoying when I care about something. You haven’t seen the real me, and I’m scared that the real me is going to scare you away.”

Xukun takes Zhengting’s hand in his, drawing a line over the back of Zhengting’s palm with his thumb. “I know that I haven’t seen that side of you before. But I still want to get to know you, and learn all of the things that you haven’t shown me. When you came out, you said that you hoped people would continue to walk beside you. This is me, offering to walk beside you, even if the you that I find isn’t the one that I expected.

“So please, let me try. You can show me yourself, unchanged, and I’ll show you myself, and I’ll show you all the parts of ordinary life that you missed pursuing your dream. Alright?”

Zhengting looks at him, and the hesitance, the mistrust is evident on his face. Xukun knows that this can’t be easy on him, that after what has happened to him it must be difficult to be able to trust anyone. Zhengting has already seen how his secrets drive people away--why should he think this would be any different? But then, Xukun sees, a blink later, the intensity and the nerves drop, and Zhengting takes a deep breath. Xukun feels his heart settle a little, because that’s not the look that Zhengting would’ve had if he were going to say no.

He gives only a half of a nod before Xukun is smiling, leaning in closer to him on the bed and letting his eyes fall to Zhengting’s lips. It’s Zhengting that does it, though, it’s Zhengting that closes his eyes and presses his lips to Xukun’s and pulls him closer by his shoulders. Zhengting tastes like cherries, and he’s so sweet and tender and desperate and hesitant and Xukun has to remind himself that even though Zhengting is older than him he is still so naïve. Zhengting has never dated, has probably never had sexual experience outside of hook-ups like the one he described with Eunki. Zhengting deserves to be loved, for once in his life.

Xukun’s hands gravitate to Zhengting’s waist as he gently presses deeper into the kiss. Zhengting lets him, lets Xukun press him backwards onto the bed until Xukun is hovering over him, lips still pressed tightly together. Xukun pulls away for a second, catching the smile that paints Zhengting’s lips even before Zhengting opens his eyes. Xukun lets one of his hands reach to pull at the hem of Zhengting’s shirt. “Can I?”

Zhengting bites his lip, but he nods, and he helps Xukun pull the shirt over his head. Xukun’s fingers run over his chest and abdomen, paying special attention to the lines of defined muscle. It’s defined, but Zhengting’s muscles are not bulky, not distracting from his slim form. Gods, Zhengting is beautiful. Xukun presses a kiss to the lower curve of Zhengting’s neck, near his collar bone. Zhengting gasps.

“Let me know if I go too far, alright?” Xukun asks, and Zhengting swallows, trying to quiet his breathing.

“Alright,” Zhengting says. “I don’t think there’s much you could do that would be too far, though.”

“Good to know.” Xukun lets his lips move lower, over Zhengting’s pecs and circling closer to Zhengting’s nipple. “Let me know if this feels good.”

Xukun licks teasingly over the nipple, and he feels Zhengting buck his hips up in response as he gasps again. Xukun grins, licking over it again, putting a little more pressure behind it this time. Zhengting’s hand comes up to tangle in the strands of Xukun’s hair, holding him closer, and Xukun takes the nipple into his mouth and gently sucks. Zhengting moans as Xukun sucks, voice stuttering as he lets out little gasps between lower, longer moans.

Zhengting pulls him away by his hair, and Xukun nearly lets out a moan himself from the feeling on his scalp. “Xukun. More. Please.”

Zhengting lets go of his hair, and Xukun obeys him, reaching down to pull at Zhengting’s belt. Xukun quickly rids Zhengting of his pants and the underwear beneath. Xukun stares for a few seconds, taking in the lines of Zhengting’s body. Zhengting is not curvy, the lines of muscle in his legs still giving the same slim look as his upper body. His his bones form a perfect v-shape leading down to his cock. Xukun leans down to press his lips not to Zhengting’s cock, but to the skin beside it, teasing.

Xukun grins at him, teasing again, as Xukun lets his fingers wander lower, pressing over Zhengting’s inner thighs, his balls, and even coming, somewhat hesitantly, to rub over Zhengting’s rim. “Do you have any lube?”

Zhengting swallows at the question, breathing ragged. “I think there’s some in my bag over there.”

Xukun nodded, pulling away and walking across the room to dig through the bag that Zhengting indicated. “Where in the bag?”

“One of the side pockets, maybe? I’m not entirely sure.”

Xukun finds it and walks back to the bed, sitting at Zhengting’s side now instead of moving back over him. Seeing Zhengting on the bed, he feels hesitance hit him. They’ve only met in person today. Today. He doesn’t want this to damage them, damage what could be. “Zhengting, do you want to do this now? If you feel like this is rushing anything, we can wait. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable with anything.”

“I--” Zhengting sits up now, meeting Xukun’s eyes. “I’m not good at emotions, Xukun, I’m sure you’ve figured that out by now. If I’m going to trust you, I’m going to trust you, no hesitations behind that. And right now, I’m deciding to trust you.”

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, though,” Xukun tries to interrupt again, because Zhengting didn’t really answer him. “Trust is good, but I also need you to tell me what you’re comfortable with, alright?”

“Xukun.” Zhengting straddles him, beginning to pull at his shirt. “I’m fine. Really. Maybe a bit nervous, but I still want this.”

“Why are you nervous?” Xukun’s shirt joins the growing pile of clothes next to the bed, and Zhengting’s hands reach for his belt next.

“I’ve never actually gone all the way with anyone before,” Zhengting says, as unremarkably as if he had been commenting on the wallpaper. “The farthest I got was with Eunki, and all we did was oral.”

Xukun moves his hips up to help Zhengting as he peels off his pants. “How do you know that you like bottoming, then, if you’ve never actually done it before?”

“Fingers, dildos, you get the idea,” Zhengting replies. “You know, all of the stereotypical ‘curious horny teenager’ things.”

Xukun bites his lip. Zhengting’s explanations are really not helping his case. “Zhengting, are you sure we should be doing this so quickly if it’s your first time? I don’t want you to regret anything.”

“Xukun, look at me,” Zhengting waits until they’re eye to eye, staring at each other unblinking, challenging. “Even if I only met you in person today, I’ve been talking to you for months. I trust you. I feel like I know you. I might even love you. So please, let’s have this moment, before the world comes crashing back in on us.”

Xukun hesitates, just for half a second, and in that second he knows that he was wrong in thinking that Zhengting could never be commanding. “Okay.”

Zhengting’s lips come crashing back to his, and Xukun’s hands fall to his waist, to his hips, lower and lower until he’s circling his rim again. Pulling away from the kiss, he reaches for the lube and coats the fingers of one hand before hesitantly entering a finger. Zhengting moans, letting his head fall onto Xukun’s shoulder. Zhengting is warm and tight inside, and Xukun feels himself getting harder, not only from the physical feeling, but from knowing how much Zhengting is trusting him with this. Zhengting’s arms are wrapped around him, holding him close. Zhengting.

Xukun brings up his clean hand to rub over Zhengting’s neck. Zhengting nuzzles closer into him, and Xukun enters another finger. “Does this feel good?”

“Yes,” Zhengting murmurs. “You don’t have to be so gentle, you know. I can take it.”

“I want to be gentle,” Xukun says. “I used to practically worship you, you know? That’s not an easy thing to unlearn.”

“Used to?” Zhengting asks it with a curl of his lips, amusement evident.

“Mhm.” Xukun scissors his fingers apart, stretching out the room before he can add a third finger. “You used to be a god, and now you’re only a man.”

“Didn’t you once say that I was perfection in human form?”

“I do recall saying that, yes.” Xukun presses the third finger in. “And who would I be to damage that perfection?”

Zhengting chuckles. “You know, the first time I saw what you looked like, a part of me thought that you should be the idol instead.”

“Really?”

“You’re more perfect than you think, Xukun.”

“I don’t think I’m perfect at all.” Xukun pulls his fingers out, reaching for the lube again.

“No?”

“No,” Xukun replies, coating his cock. “I don’t think I deserve you in the slightest.”

“Well I don’t deserve you either.” Zhengting lifts his head, letting a hand reach down to wrap around Xukun’s cock, nudging Xukun’s fingers out of the way in the process. Zhengting aligns it with his rim and then sinks down onto Xukun’s cock, leaning forward to press his lips to Xukun’s as he goes.

Xukun has had sex with other guys before, but none of them have ever felt nearly as good as Zhengting feels. Not just in the literal feeling, but because it feels so _right_ to kiss Zhengting, it feels so good to have Zhengting’s skin on his, so close, so close, their hearts beating next to each other and their arms holding each other close. This is Zhengting, his idol, his god, merely an imperfect man and yet so much more than that description could ever say. Xukun loves him. Xukun loves him.

Zhengting draws up, sliding back down a second later, and he does it in the kind of rhythm that shows his years of dance. It’s so evident in every move of his muscles, in the way that he tenses and relaxes and still manages to stay so close to Xukun even as he moves. Zhengting’s still kissing him, even though the angle can be a little awkward, his hands are still wrapped around Xukun’s shoulders.

Xukun breaks the kiss, pulling back enough to press kisses to Zhengting’s neck instead. “Zhengting?”

“Yes?”

“I think I love you.”

Zhengting doesn’t slow down, barely even reacts. “I thought we established that months ago.”

“I mean it, though,” Xukun says. “I love _you_. Not the idol image that you put up. You.” He swallows. “We could have met in another time, another universe, where neither of us were famous and I think I’d still fall for you so easily.”

“Xukun.” Zhengting says it like means to continue but can’t quite find the words, his voice too ragged. “Xukun, please.”

“I love you, Zhengting,” Xukun repeats, and he feels Zhengting clenching around him, his rhythm changing, falling out of pattern. “You’re not perfect, but that’s what makes you amazing. That’s what makes you worthy of being loved. I’d rather love a human than an idol, and you’ve never felt more human to me than you do right now.”

“Xukun.” Zhengting’s rhythm stutters, and with one final thrust downwards, Zhengting clenches around Xukun, head collapsing onto Xukun’s shoulder again as he comes between them.

Xukun comes in the seconds after, and he nearly blanks out as he runs his hands through Zhengting’s hair, almost missing the sentence that Zhengting murmurs into his shoulder.

“Sometimes it feels like you’re all I have left.”

 

\----

 

In the morning, they gather their bags and take a taxi to the train station because Zhengting is too famous to take the metro. Even once they get to the train station, Zhengting wears a mask and sunglasses as if it’ll make him less obvious--it doesn’t, it’s a cloudy day with good air quality and the accessories only make him stand out more. Xukun knows that if he pointed this out Zhengting would ignore him, though, so he says nothing and watches from a few steps away as some of the younger travelers around them notice Zhengting and then, half a second later, pretend that they have not noticed while “subtly” nudging their friends to look.

It’s not until they’re on the train, Zhengting with a window seat and Xukun beside him with an overly well-dressed woman in her mid-thirties on his other side, that Zhengting finally relaxes a little. Sunglasses off, but mask still on, Zhengting leans his head against Xukun’s shoulder and interlocks their fingers over Zhengting’s thigh, the fingers of his other hand still drumming out a pattern on his leg.

“You should sleep a little,” Zhengting says, quietly enough through his mask that only Xukun should be able to hear. “You still seem tired.”

“I can’t sleep,” Xukun replies, his voice soft. “The only way to get over the jet lag is to just get on schedule and stick to it, remember?”

Zhengting giggles. “I mean if getting over jet lag is what you’re going for...”

Xukun rolls his eyes, but he squeezes Zhengting’s fingers in his and feels the sigh that Zhengting lets out. “Something’s bothering you.”

“Your powers of observation astound me.”

Xukun nearly rolls his eyes again. “Tell me.”

“I’m nervous.”

“About?”

“What your parents are going to think of me. Of us.”

Xukun swallows, nodding to himself. The train begins to accelerate, leaving the station, and Xukun rubs his thumb over the back of Zhengting’s hand. “Do you want me to tell them?”

“About what?”

“Us. This. Whatever ‘this’ is.” Xukun turns his head a little to meet Zhengting’s eyes. “I could always tell them that you’re just a friend.”

“Yes, just two friends who are both gay and who hold hands and sleep in the same bed. Sounds convincing to me.”

Xukun has to stifle laughter at that, turning his head slightly to make sure that the woman beside them hasn’t heard what Zhengting said. She seems oblivious though, her phone pressed between her shoulder and ear as she looks at a book she pulled from her bag.

“So you want me to tell them, then?”

“I don’t think we have much of an option not to,” Zhengting says. He breathes in deeply, and Xukun can literally feel his breath where their arms are pressed together, where Zhengting’s head and neck touch him. “Xukun?”

“Yeah?”

“Do they know who I am?”

Xukun freezes, in that moment, because he’d never told his parents whom he was bringing home, only that it was a friend. And his parents would most likely know the name--Xukun has enough of the posters, talked about him enough that they’d probably recognize it. Xukun has no idea if they’ve heard about Zhengting’s scandals, if they’ll know from the first time they hear his name some level of what has happened. But that’ll lead to more questions, too, because how in the hell does someone like Xukun start talking to someone like Zhengting, especially when he’s been overseas for the past nine months?

“I didn’t tell them your name when they asked who I was bringing home,” Xukun says. “But they might figure it out when they hear your name. I’m not sure.”

Zhengting sighs. “I guess we’ll just have to take it as it goes, then.”

“Yeah.” Xukun breathes out, determined to let Zhengting sleep on his shoulder--he’s halfway there already--but it’s only a few seconds later that a giggle escapes him.

“What is it?”

“I’m just imagining,” Xukun pauses. “Imagine what would happen if they didn’t recognize your name at first, and then we were living with them for weeks before they figured it out.”

Zhengting snorts. “That would be quite a shock, I imagine.”

Xukun smiles to himself. “It would be.” The smile grows a little wider as he remembers a very important detail. “There’s no way in hell it would take them multiple weeks to figure it out, though.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see.”

 

\----

 

“Well, we have extra blankets, but I think we’ll need to find a mat for you to sleep on since you’ll be staying over the summer. The floor isn’t terribly comfortable,” Xukun’s father says, a joking smile on his face as he picks up a piece of meat with his chopsticks.

“It’s fine,” Xukun answers, noticing Zhengting tensing beside him as he speaks. Time to break it to them, as if the habitual hand-holding they had been doing throughout the evening had not been enough of a clue. “We can share my bed.”

A silence follows for a few seconds.

“Ah,” Xukun’s mother says. Zhengting is, not subtly, trying to bury his gaze in his rice bowl. “It’s like that, then.” She smiles in Zhengting’s direction, but Xukun doubts Zhengting sees it. “I’m glad that you’re happy together.”

Zhengting visibly relaxes, finally raising his gaze. He doesn’t say anything, and neither does Xukun, but there’s a moment of understanding that passes between them in those seconds. Everything is going to be alright, at least as far as Xukun’s parents are concerned. They’ll still have to come up with something for the fall, when Xukun goes back to Shanghai for the last year of his degree, but they won’t have to worry until then. At least not about housing.

“So, Zhengting, Xukun didn’t tell us much about you,” Xukun’s father says, and Zhengting bites his lip as he meets Xukun’s eyes. Oh no. Questions incoming. Xukun almost wishes they had figured it out the first time he’d said Zhengting’s name earlier. “What are you studying?”

“I’m actually not in college,” Zhengting says. “I’m two years older than Xukun.” True, just not the reason he’s not in college.

“Ah, what do you do for work, then?”

Zhengting bites his lip again, glancing at Xukun, a question evident in his eyes. To tell or not to tell?

“He’s a dancer,” Xukun says, because Xukun’s lack of detailed responses can be forgiven more readily than Zhengting’s. “Between jobs right now, though.”

“I see,” Xukun’s mother says. “I’m sure you’ll be able to find something when you go back to Shanghai in the fall, though.”

“That’s the hope, yes,” Zhengting responds.

It’s the next morning, when Xukun’s mother comes to wake them up, that Zhengting discovers what Xukun meant on the train the previous day. Zhengting is laying with an arm over Xukun’s chest, back to the wall of the room and his face pressed, only barely comfortably, into Xukun’s shoulder. The bed is too small for them, but Xukun has never felt as right in his bed as he does with Zhengting there.

Xukun’s mother knocks before coming in, but only by a few seconds without waiting for response, and Zhengting and Xukun are still blinking awake when they notice the way that Xukun’s mother’s gaze keeps on jumping back and forth from Zhengting to an area on the wall above his head. Xukun follows her eyes, falling on the poster that both of them, exhausted and ready to sleep, had not noticed the night before. Zhengting. Blond, styled hair. His name and the NEX7 logo in stylized characters across the bottom.

“Explain.”

 

\----

 

“We, um, well, we met at a fansign in Shanghai a year ago,” Zhengting bullshits in real time, sitting on Xukun’s couch with a mug of tea in his hands and his legs tucked under himself like he’s a cat.

“I didn’t realize you remembered individual fans that well,” Xukun’s mother says, and Xukun does his best not to bury himself in his own tea. He’s not sure which would be the worse option here: trying to tell the truth and having her not believe it or come up with a slightly more realistic-seeming spiral of lies and have her not believe it. Zhengting’s already leading them down the spiral of lies, though, so Xukun’s not going to try to switch it up now.

“Well, he actually came to a lot of the fansigns,” Zhengting says. “Plus, there’s not very many male fans at most of the fansigns, and Xukun is rather distinctive.”

Xukun decides it’s his turn to contribute. “One time I slipped him a post-it note with my name and WeChat id on it because I was stupid and lovestruck and honestly thought he’d probably never look at it.”

“I looked at it.” Zhengting gives Xukun a side-eye as he says it, but he goes along with the story. “And then, because I’d seen him a lot and he always seemed pretty relaxed and like he’d be interesting to talk to, I messaged him.”

“So then we messaged a lot, especially when I was over in the US.” Xukun takes one hand off of his mug, reaching over to place his fingers gently on the top of Zhengting’s thigh. “We only got together a few weeks ago, but we both liked each other for a while before then.”

Xukun’s mother sets her mug down on the coffee table. “So if you’re this immensely popular idol, what are you doing staying with us for the summer?”

Xukun feels Zhengting tense, sees his breath speed up as he freezes in place, not even his eyes moving more than to blink. He’s panicking. Xukun bites his lip, deciding that removing Zhengting from the situation might be the best thing to do for now. Xukun will explain to his mother about everything. Zhengting doesn’t need to be reminded of it again, not forced to say it in his own words in detail.

Xukun puts his own mug of tea down on the table, taking Zhengting’s from him and doing the same. Zhengting doesn’t try to stop him, at least not consciously, but his fingers are tensed enough that Xukun still has to pry it away from him. Xukun stands up, taking Zhengting’s hands in his and pulling him to stand up, half-carrying him as he takes him back to his bedroom in the little apartment, sitting him down on the edge of the bed. Zhengting is still mostly unresponsive, breathing still uneven.

“Relax,” Xukun says, kneeling in front of the edge of the bed and cupping Zhengting’s cheeks between his palms. “It’ll all be alright.”

“Xukun,” Zhengting breathes out, his voice uneven. He’s still staring straight ahead, eyes unfocused and growing red around the edges. “I can’t--”

“I know, I know.” He lets the fingers of one hand comb softly through the hair near Zhengting’s temples, hoping it will help calm him. “It’s alright. You don’t have to say anything, alright? You can rest here, and I’ll go back out and explain, and I’ll be back in just a few minutes, alright?”

“I--” Zhengting takes a deep breath. His eyes seem to find focus again, and he nods lightly. “Not too long. Please.”

“Not too long,” Xukun says, “I promise.” He stands, leaning down to press a kiss to Zhengting’s forehead before he goes.

He finds his mother waiting just barely outside the door, and he knows that she saw. He walks past her back down the hall to the living room, sitting back down on the couch and picking up his mug of tea. His mother sits down opposite him, seeming loath to take up the subject again.

Xukun takes a few sips to calm himself before he speaks. As much as it’s not his problem, not really, seeing Zhengting like that really shook him. He’s seen Zhengting at his lowest point before, and somehow this almost felt--not worse, but something approaching it. Xukun had hoped that Zhengting was doing better. “He was outed.”

“Outed?”

“As gay. He tried to fix the situation by admitting it instead of hiding it but that only made it worse.” Xukun takes another sip, finding that he can barely bring himself to say the next words. “He tried to kill himself.” Even though he’s known it for weeks, even though Zhengting is still alive and breathing in Xukun’s own bed, it still pains Xukun to say the words. Because there’s a reality in those words, the kind of reality that never quite seems to hit you until you say them aloud. “His agency decided to end his contract because of the scandals. So now he’s trying to figure out what he’s going to do with the rest of his life.”

His mother looks away. “So he’s latching onto you while he figures it out?”

“Of course,” Xukun says, “he’s my boyfriend.” His mother doesn’t need to know that they weren’t together when Xukun offered this, that they’ve never even really defined this relationship because they’ve barely been together for what--two, three days?

“Xukun, you’re a fan of his and he knows that,” Xukun’s mother says, her hands locked together as she leans forward to look him the eye. “I don’t want to accuse him of anything, but part of me says that he’s only taking advantage of the admiration you have for him.”

“Zhengting isn’t an idol anymore.” Xukun stands up. He loves his mother, but he can’t deal with her insinuating things about Zhengting, not when he’s just seen Zhengting break down. “He’s just a person. And believe it or not, I love and trust him for the person he is, not the idol image that he used to have.”

He walks back to his room without looking back, shutting the door behind him and climbing into bed next to Zhengting, finding the other staring at the wall, another blank expression on his face. “You heard that, didn’t you?”

Zhengting doesn’t move, doesn’t roll over to look Xukun in the eye, but he doesn’t try to squirm away when Xukun puts an arm around him. Xukun cuddles closer to Zhengting’s back, feeling Zhengting’s heartbeat against his own. Zhengting’s is not as fast as he’d thought it would be, but then again, he figures Zhengting must be very good at calming his nerves quickly.

After a few minutes, Zhengting breaks the silence. “I told you your parents wouldn’t approve of me.”

Xukun sighs. “This is just the first reaction. They’ll get over it, alright?”

“She’s right to be skeptical, though. If I were you, I never would have trusted me as much as you have trusted me.”

Xukun bites his lip. “That is a very confusing sentence, Zhengting.”

“You get my point, though.”

“I do.”

Zhengting turns over in Xukun’s hold, coming face to face with the other. Zhengting’s eyes are still a little red-rimmed, and the blank expression has melted away to show uncertainty and confusion. “What are we doing, Xukun?”

“What do you mean?”

Zhengting bites his lip, and Xukun can feel the way his breath shutters, coming out just as unevenly in his exhale as his chest moves on the inhale. “The two of us. I don’t know why I trust you, and I’m afraid that if I trust you too much you’re just going to disappear. And you--you have so many reasons not to trust me, but you’ve been so trusting and so kind and I don’t know what the fuck to think about that.”

“Zhengting.” Xukun looks at his eyes, those beautiful eyes that Xukun used to stare at in pictures and dreamed of looking at them in person. Xukun needs to prove to Zhengting that he can trust him, because as much as Zhengting needs Xukun, Xukun needs Zhengting. After everything that has happened, now that Xukun knows what Zhengting is like behind the image, Xukun doesn’t know what he’d do without him. “Zhengting, I’m not going to go anywhere.”

“I’m not saying you’ll leave.” Zhengting swallows, closing his eyes. “I’m saying that this isn’t real, and as soon as I start believing this I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone. And I don’t know if I’d be able to handle that.”

“I’m not an illusion, Zhengting, I’m not a dream.” Xukun pauses. “I’m here. I’m here and I’m holding you and I swear that I’m not going to let you go.”

Zhengting opens his eyes, for just a second, before he closes the gap between them and kisses Xukun and it’s more desperate than their first kisses had been, needier and less hesitant and Xukun can nearly feel Zhengting cracking in his arms.

 

\----

 

“Zhengting, do you have literally _any_ piece of clothing that costs less than 5000 kuai?”

Zhengting stops searching through his bag, three gucci shirts already laid across Xukun’s bed and at least a few pairs of equally expensive-looking pants strewn across the floor. He raises his eyebrows at Xukun. “Okay, one, they’re less expensive than you think, and two, I got quite a few of them for free.”

Xukun blinks. “How do you get luxury brand clothing for free?”

“They had me wear it at an event, and then I got to keep it afterward.”

“Zhengting,” Xukun takes a deep breath, “that is the most out-of-touch thing I have ever heard you say, on camera or otherwise.”

Zhengting sighs, sitting down next to Xukun on the bed. “Really, though, I’ll be fine just wearing my normal clothes. I don’t need to keep looking for clothes that I don’t have, alright?”

“Zhengting.” Xukun blinks again, considers putting his hands on Zhengting’s shoulders for dramatic effect. “You’re not in Shanghai, or Beijing, or Seoul. You’re in Hunan Province, and wearing those brands isn’t going to make you look fashionable and modern, it’s just going to make you look out of place and attract attention that we really don’t need right now.”

Zhengting pouts. “Why do we have to go out anyway?”

“Because,” Xukun says, only a note of annoyance seeping into his voice, “we’re going to go out and be normal people for a day, remember? Didn’t I promise you I’d teach you what normal people our age do?”

Zhengting rolls his eyes, but concedes. “Fine. You figure out what we should do about my clothes then, since I clearly don’t have anything you approve of.”

Xukun looks between Zhengting’s clothes, spread around the room, and Xukun’s own dresser in the corner. He stands, walking over to the dresser and pulling out one of his own shirts and pairs of pants. Walking back, he tosses them to Zhengting, managing to land them right in Zhengting’s lap. “You and I are close enough to the same size for this to work, aren’t we?”

Zhengting sighs. “I suppose.”

Zhengting sits there, looking at the clothes, hands running lightly over the fabric. He swallows, meeting Xukun’s eyes. “Aren’t you going to leave the room or turn around or something?”

Since they’d gotten to Xukun’s family’s apartment, they’d always changed clothes while the other was in the bathroom. Xukun doesn’t see why though. “Why should I? It’s not like I’m going to see anything I haven’t already seen.”

“Xukun.” Zhengting considers arguing, considers saying that they’d only seen each other naked in a sexual context and that sexual contexts are very different from non-sexual ones, but he figures rather quickly that no matter what he argues Xukun won’t listen to him. “Fine.” He stands up, pulling off his pajamas, shirt first and then pants. Xukun tries not to watch, looking away for a few seconds when Zhengting turns at just the right angle and Xukun could get the perfect look at his ass. Not now, Xukun, not now.

When Zhengting turns back, fully dressed in Xukun’s clothes, Xukun has to bite his lip. Zhengting really does look good, even without the overly expensive luxury brands. Zhengting would look good in anything, really, and knowing that it’s _Xukun’s_ clothes he’s wearing just makes Xukun appreciate it even more. “Let’s go.”

Xukun holds out a hand, and Zhengting takes it, interlocking their fingers even though they both know that they’ll probably have to unlock their hands once they’re outside of the apartment--this isn’t Shanghai, after all. They walk past Xukun’s mother as they slide on their shoes at the door, walking out and letting go of each other’s hands as they go, still staying close to each other’s sides as they walk to the too-small elevator in the apartment building’s hallway.

“We can go shopping to get you some normal clothes later, but for now, I want to show you something.”

“What kind of something?”

The elevator dings that they’ve arrived at the first floor, and Xukun steps out, Zhengting half a step behind him. “Just this little park that I always went to as a kid. It’s pretty close to my senior high school, actually.”

“Alright.” Xukun leads them out of the apartment complex and turning onto familiar roads that he’s walked a thousand times before, back and forth to and from school and the park and the arcades where he would go with his friends when he was young enough that his life wasn’t consumed by studying and hoping for a future that seemed so obtainable and yet so unachievable at the same time.

When they reach the park, they find a little bench to sit down on, across the park from the little kids running around with their parents chasing them and just far enough away from where the grandmas and grandpas are dancing that the music won’t drown out the sound of the other talking. There’s a few other people near their age in the park, but they’re few and far between. Xukun figures it must be because of school, at least for the ones a few years younger than them--it’s only a month away from this year’s gaokao, after all.

“What’s your favorite memory from when you were a kid?” Zhengting crosses his ankles, looking up at the trees around them.

Xukun hums, trying to think of one. He could tell him about the times when he was young and his parents would bring him to this park and guide him around, letting him discover the trees and grass and flowers. Or he could tell him about the times when he was older, because he still kinda feels like a kid, when he and his friends would play around together and talk about games and listen to music and just be kids. “I’m probably stretching the limits of what can be considered ‘kid’ here--”

“That’s fine.”

“It was during my last year of senior high school.” Xukun takes a deep breath. “I never ‘came out’ to anyone in my class, but I think by that point most of my classmates knew. I lost a lot of friends during senior high school, but I had one friend who stayed by me the entire time.”

“This is your favorite memory?”

“Shh, I’m getting there.” Zhengting laughed, but Xukun just swatted at his thigh in response. “He was so nice to me all the time, and we seemed to like so many of the same things, and one night when we were hanging out in his room he just kissed me, and it just felt amazing, and so right, if you know what I mean.” He pauses, biting his lip. “He was the first boy I ever kissed.”

Zhengting nods. “I didn’t kiss a boy until I was nineteen. He was another trainee, then, but he ended up leaving the company before he could debut. I know exactly what you mean, though. That was one of the first moments I felt right, either.”

 

\----

 

“I’m scared, sometimes.”

Zhengting says it in the middle of the night, when the lights are off and they should’ve been asleep half an hour ago. Zhengting is staring at the ceiling, Xukun curled up next to him with their fingers interlaced over Zhengting’s heart. “About what?”

“I,” Zhengting takes a deep breath, “I don’t want to ignore my parents forever, you know, that’s not who I am. But at the same time, I’m scared what’ll happen if I try to talk to them again.”

“They haven’t tried to contact you?”

Zhengting shakes his head. “Not since the video with Eunki leaked.” His heart rate increases, and Xukun squeezes his fingers tighter. “I’m scared that they’ll be disappointed in me.”

“Zhengting, they’re still your parents.”

“If the same thing happened to you, though, and your parents just gave you radio silence like that, would you be able to go home to them and look them in the eyes? Would you feel comfortable sitting in their home, knowing that there’s a part of them that must _hate_ you now? That they think that there’s something wrong with you, that maybe if they had been better parents they could have stopped you from becoming like this?”

Xukun is silent at that, because his parents have never been anything but encouraging--if somewhat hesitantly--and he _can’t_ imagine what that would be like. To have that pressure coming from the people who should love and support you the most, on top of all the pressure coming from the rest of the world. He imagines, knowing that it must be inadequate to match up with reality, and he imagines that it must be crushing.

“They’ve never said anything about it,” Zhengting continues. “Not to my face, at least. They’ve never used slurs or anything like that, but sometimes I could just tell, whenever someone would bring up something even tangentially related, that they didn’t really support the idea of being gay. That’s what it seems like, anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” Xukun says, because there’s not much else he really can say.

“Yeah. Me too.”

 

\----

 

“Xukun, I have honestly never see someone manage to spill that much tea while punching their straw through the plastic. I’m almost impressed. Almost.”

Xukun tries desperately to lick up the milk-tea that’s on the plastic lid, not really wanting to go get more napkins. “Why do I get the feeling that my failures entertain you?”

Zhengting giggles between sips of his own tea. “It’s endearing, Xukun.”

“Right.” Xukun gives up at trying to lick it all off as some of it starts to drip down the side of the bottle. “I’m going to go get napkins.”

“Have fun,” Zhengting says, watching as Xukun walks back inside the bubble tea store. He takes a deep breath, sipping his tea and chewing through the jelly bubbles. The bubbles here are a bit less sweet than the ones he’s used to, but it’s not the worst change in the world, especially given how overly-sweetened the tea itself is.

“Uhm, hi.” Zhengting turns his head, seeing a young woman around his own age, maybe a little younger. “Zhu Zhengting?”

“Ah,” Zhengting tries not to let the internal panic show on his face. He’s really not prepared to talk to people who recognize him right now. “Hello.”

The woman blushes, looking away. “I’m sorry to disturb you, I just wanted to see if it was really you.” She pauses, and Zhengting decides that smiling at her politely is the best route to go. “Your fans have really missed you.”

“I know,” Zhengting sighs, even though he tries to keep the smile up. “I’ve just been, well, going through a hard time lately. I’m sure you can guess why.”

“I--” The woman looks away. Zhengting sees Xukun coming out of the shop, used napkins and bubble tea in hand. Zhengting nods at Xukun, hoping that he’ll understand to wait a moment before he comes over. “I’m really sorry that some people reacted the way they did. I didn’t really know how to feel at first, you know, I don’t think I knew how to feel about gay people. But I was always a big fan of yours, and when you came out, it actually really convinced me that being gay was alright.”

Zhengting looks at her, and he sees her sincerity. She isn’t trying to fake this just to be nice, she seems like any other straight teenager, the type who thought they never knew a gay person for most of their life even though they probably had a gay friend. If he had this effect on one person, he probably had that effect on others. Maybe there were hundreds, thousands of people that he convinced to accept their friends and family that were too afraid to come out to them. “I’m glad,” Zhengting responds.

Xukun finally walks over and sits down at his seat, spurring the woman to look at him. “I’ll go now,” she says, “thank you for talking with me.” She leaves, without making a fuss or commotion, and Xukun raises an eyebrow at Zhengting.

“A fan,” Zhengting says in answer to Xukun’s implicit question. “She just wanted to know if it was really me.” He looks off over Xukun’s shoulder, his vision blurring into the background. Xukun waits, sipping his tea. “Xukun, I think that I want to go see my parents.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Zhengting says. “I think there’s hope.”

 

\----

 

“You’re nervous.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Zhengting, you are physically twitching right now.”

Zhengting sighs, trying to take deep breaths to relax as they get out of the taxi that they’d taken from the bus station. Neither of them have brought more than a backpack, mostly because Zhengting insisted that they were probably only going to stay a day or two anyway, if that.

“We had seven hours on the train, then another hour on the bus, and then another half hour in the taxi for you to try to calm your nerves, Zhengting,” Xukun recounts as he slings his own bag over his shoulder. “Really, that’s eight and a half hours. If you were so nervous, you should have told me earlier.”

“I wasn’t nervous until we got here,” Zhengting replies, taking Xukun’s hand in his as he walks over to the gate in front of the house. He hesitantly types in the code to the gate, biting his lip.

As the gate opens and they walk through, getting a better view of the house, Xukun realizes it’s bigger than almost any he’d seen outside of Shanghai or Beijing. “Did you grow up here?”

“No,” Zhengting says, leading Xukun up to main door of the house. “I bought the house for my parents a year ago.”

“You bought your parents a house, but you have no home of your own to go to?” Xukun raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, I was living with NEX7, so I didn’t _need_ to get anywhere for myself,” Zhengting replies. He takes a deep breath before knocking on the door.

A woman answers the door, but from the look on Zhengting’s face she is not part of his family. “Zhengting?”

“Are my parents home?”

“Yes,” the woman responds, her eyes darting across to look at Xukun as well. “I’ll go tell them that you’re home.”

Zhengting nods. “Thank you. I’ll wait for them in the living room.”

The woman nods and lets them come inside, closing the door behind them. After they switch out their shoes for slippers, Zhengting leads Xukun down the hallway to a room with two couches with a small table in between. They sit down on one, putting their backpacks on the floor next to the couch.

“Are you still nervous?”

“Of course,” Zhengting says quietly, leaning in to Xukun’s side, both of Zhengting’s hands holding one of Xukun’s. “I’m just glad they didn’t change the code for the gate without telling me.”

Xukun nearly laughs at that. “Did you think they would?”

“I could never be sure.”

The air shifts, and Zhengting looks up, away from Xukun, before averting his eyes again. Xukun looks to the door, seeing the couple, presumably Zhengting’s parents, that enter. They’re staring back at him, staring at Zhengting and the way that Zhengting and Xukun’s hands are held so tightly together. Xukun doesn’t think he sees malice in their eyes, doesn’t see disapproval or disappointment or any of the things that Zhengting had prepared him to see.

They sit down on the couch across from Zhengting and Xukun. “Zhengting.” Zhengting twitches, still not daring to look up. “What took you so long to come home?”

Zhengting looks up at that, meeting his mother’s eyes. “Why didn’t you say anything? Send me anything?”

His mother tries to smile reassuringly, but Xukun can see the tension in her eyes. “We were waiting for you to send us something first, dear. We wanted to give you time, if you needed it.”

“So after everything that happened, even after I nearly died, you didn’t think it would be the right thing to just send me a message saying that you were glad I was okay?” Xukun can’t tell if Zhengting is angry or not, can’t tell if the redness at the corners of his eyes is born of frustration or just desperation. “Your own child, and you still didn’t even care to tell me that you were happy I wasn’t dead.”

“Zhengting, that’s not--”

“Don’t try to tell me how to feel.” Zhengting’s heartbeat is pulsing through his hands into Xukun’s. “I felt so alone. I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me, and I felt like I was losing you too.”

He crumbles then, looking away again and leaning into Xukun’s side. Xukun squeezes his hand, brings his other hand to brush through Zhengting’s hair in the way that he’s learned always manages to comfort him.

“I--” Zhengting’s father starts to speak, cutting himself off, perhaps as he realizes that he doesn’t know what to say. He exchanges a look with Zhengting’s mother before he continues. “We’re sorry, Zhengting. We didn’t mean for you to feel that way.”

Zhengting’s voice comes out small when he speaks again, and if hadn’t been deathly quiet in the room, Xukun doubts anyone but he would have heard him. “So you’re not disappointed?”

“Why would we be?”

Zhengting nearly chokes out the next words, tears being buried into the fabric of Xukun’s shirt. “Because I’m like this.”

They’re silent, for a moment, and Xukun nearly feels tears coming to his own eyes, because he remembers what this was like, remembers how hard it was to look his parents in the eye and tell them that he liked boys, even though they were nothing but encouraging once he finally got the words out.

“Zhengting,” his mother is the one to finally break the silence. “We’ve known for a while that you’re gay.” She pauses, and Xukun can feel Zhengting freeze. “Years, even. That didn’t change our view of you when we realized it, and it didn’t change our view of you when you came out. You’re still our son, and we love you just the same no matter who you love, whether you’re famous or not.”

Zhengting takes a deep breath, finally looking up and using the back of one hand to wipe off the tears and snot.

“Now that we’ve got that cleared up,” Zhengting’s father says, “why don’t you introduce us to your friend here?”

“This is Xukun. He’s my boyfriend.”

 

\----

 

That night is the first time that Xukun has ever seen Zhengting sleep in a way that truly looks peaceful. Even without Xukun’s arms around him, he doesn’t twitch or roll in his sleep, he doesn’t wake suddenly before going back to sleep after Xukun assures them that whatever nightmare he’s had isn’t real. Zhengting sleeps in the queen-sized bed in his room in his parents’ home and Xukun thinks he looks perfect--he always looks perfect though.

“It went well,” Xukun says quietly into the phone while he sits in a chair in the corner. “His parents were really accepting, actually.”

“ _I’m glad to hear that,”_ Xukun’s mother says, but he can tell that there’s something that she wants to say that he’s not going to want to hear. “ _So does he want to stay with his parents?_ ”

Xukun crinkles his eyebrows. “No, we’re still coming back in a few days. He’s happy that his parents approve and everything, but I still have so many things to show him. Besides, we’re still thinking about trying to go to Shanghai together in the fall when I go back to school.”

His mother is silent for a few seconds, but when she speaks again, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, Zhengting finally has her approval. “ _He really does care for you, doesn’t he?”_

“Yeah,” Xukun says, seeing his boyfriend sleeping in the soft light, “he really does.”

 

\----

 

“Zhengting.”

“What is it, Xukun?”

“Never mind, it’s nothing.”

Zhengting draws lines on Xukun’s shoulder by the moonlight that filters in through the window of Xukun’s bedroom. “If it’s nothing, you wouldn’t have brought it up. Tell me.”

Xukun sighs, letting his arm wrapped around Zhengting tighten as he speaks. “When we were in Anhui visiting your parents, I realized that I was worried that, now that you had someone other than me to rely on, you’d leave me.”

“We both know that’s not true,” Zhengting says.

“The thing is,” Xukun continues, “that made me wonder if, just maybe, this is all a dream. The past few months. Because I’m just a nobody, I don’t deserve someone like you. I don’t think I’d be able to keep someone like you if I tried. And there’s a part of me--a part of me that thinks--” He pauses, bites his lip. He can’t say it, because it will make Zhengting feel bad, might even trigger another panic attack. This is why he shouldn’t have said anything at all, because Zhengting will tell him to go on, and he can’t bear to lie to Zhengting and make something up. “There’s a part of me that believes that this is just a dream because you died that day in April and I’ve just been making up this reality to cope.”

Zhengting doesn’t react, not immediately, his heartbeat seeming to quicken in response not immediately, but delayed, as if his mind needed the time to catch up before his body could react in even the simplest of ways. When he does react, it is not with words, but with movements, as his palm flattens against Xukun’s upper chest and he shifts to settle more of his bodyweight on Xukun, a reminder of his presence. Xukun doesn’t know if he could dream vividly enough to imagine Zhengting this close, to feel the pressure and texture of him lying here beside him, on top of him, but he knows that the mind does amazing things when confronted with grief and trauma.

“I’m here,” Zhengting whispers into Xukun’s ear. “I’m here, and I’m alive, and I love you so much, Cai Xukun.” He runs his lips along Xukun’s ear, breath a teasing presence as he goes. “I want you to make love to me, Xukun. I want you to prove to yourself, and to me, that this reality we are feeling right now is real. I want you to let go of your thoughts and just feel. Can you do that for me, Xukun?”

“I can try. I don’t know if I can get out of my thoughts, but I can try.”

Zhengting kisses his cheek lightly, lips still never straying far enough from his ear for the light whispers to be anything but clear. “If you can’t get out of your thoughts, then change your thoughts. For once, just this once, if you need to objectify me and just use me for your pleasure, then I want you to do that.”

“Zhengting, you know I can’t do that to you.” Xukun can’t do it, because Zhengting is so much more than abs and a cute cock and a tight hole. Zhengting is his idol, the person who has given him so much reassurance over the years, even before Zhengting knew his name. Zhengting is the person he’s held in his arms every night for the past month as they’ve slept, holding him close because he needs him so badly and is so afraid that he’s going to wake up without him in the morning.

“You’re stuck in your head, Xukun,” Zhengting’s lips trail along the side of his face, up and down his temples and cheeks, breath hot on his skin. “I’m okay with you doing this, alright? I know how loving you can be, but that’s not what you need right now. I can take it. I promise.”

Xukun considers backing out, considers just holding Zhengting against him through the night like he usually does, but then he feels Zhengting’s erection against his thigh, and he realizes that Zhengting wants this--really wants this, and not just because he thinks that Xukun wants it. “Tell me if anything I do is too much, alright?”

“Alright.”

Xukun tilts his head just the slightest bit, letting his lips claim Zhengting’s, pushing against him and feeling Zhengting so there and real against him, pressing back against him but not fighting him. Xukun’s hands lock around Zhengting’s shoulders, and with one hard push he moves Zhengting off of him, onto his back, and Xukun crawls over him.

Xukun reaches for Zhengting’s pajama shirt first, pulling it over his head and tossing it to the floor beside the bed. Xukun can barely see Zhengting in the darkness, but the dim moonlight illuminates the lines of his collarbone. Even in that one detail, Xukun is reminded of how beautiful Zhengting is. Xukun brings his lips to Zhengting’s neck, not kissing or teasing, but sucking lightly on the skin, letting his teeth graze over the skin, not quite scratching him. Xukun wants to hold him down, wants to devour him just as much as he wants to worship him.

Xukun pulls down Zhengting’s boxers as well, tossing them to the floor without a care as he settles between Zhengting’s spread legs. He lets his hands run down over Zhengting’s abs and tease over Zhengting’s length, but he doesn’t stop to touch, immediately going lower to tease over Zhengting’s rim. Zhengting may have told him to use him, that he’s allowed to ignore Zhengting’s feelings, but he’s still not cruel enough to try to finger him without lube. He reaches over Zhengting to find it in the drawer beside his bed. He covers a few of the fingers of one hand with it, reaching down to tease at the rim again, knowing the cold, wet feeling must be causing the shivers that are running up Zhengting’s spine.

He slips a finger inside, feeling the tightness that surrounds just that one finger, the way the muscles still haven’t fully relaxed, even though Xukun can see Zhengting taking deep breaths to relax himself. Xukun leans closer to Zhengting’s face, to the point where their breaths brush over each other’s lips. “Good boy,” Xukun says, thrusting his finger in deeper at the same time. It pulls a whine from Zhengting, and Xukun has no choice but to kiss him quiet.

Xukun enters another finger. Zhengting seems to barely react, and Xukun decides that he’ll make him react. This may not be about Zhengting’s pleasure, but there’s something in Xukun that yearns to see him crying out Xukun’s name while he comes on Xukun’s fingers alone. Xukun presses his fingers against Zhengting’s inner walls, shifting around until he presses against the spot that makes Zhengting gasp. When he finds it, he presses against it insistently, rubbing over it in circular movements even as it sends tremors across Zhengting’s body.

Pulling his fingers out for just a second to add a third, Xukun returns almost immediately to Zhengting’s prostate, trying to pull out the orgasm that he knows Zhengting is trying to hold back. “Come on, baby, come for me,” Xukun murmurs, and Zhengting brings a hand up to interlock with Xukun’s free one as he gasps, coming in spurts across his stomach.

Xukun pulls his fingers out as Zhengting relaxes back into the bed in a post-orgasmic haze. “I thought I told you not to--”

“I wanted to do that, Zhengting, and you told me to do what I wanted.” He smiles to himself, seeing Zhengting laying so utterly fucked-out on the bed when he hasn’t even put his cock into him yet. “Besides, maybe I just want to see how you’ll feel around me when you’re oversensitive.”

Zhengting groans at that. “You really did manage to find the one way to _actually_ make this kind of uncomfortable instead of hot, didn’t you?”

Xukun laughs. “If you don’t want me to, I won’t.” He presses a few fingers to Zhengting’s hip, nudging him to turn over onto his stomach.

“It’s fine,” Zhengting responds, turning over without further comment. “I’m young enough that I’ll probably get hard again while you’re fucking me.”

“Only probably?” Xukun pulls off his own sleep shirt and boxers and letting them fall to the side of the bed with Zhengting’s.

“Listen, Xukun, do you need me to lecture you on how refractory periods work?”

“I didn’t know you were qualified to teach that lecture.” Xukun reaches for the lube again to slick up his cock.

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

“It means,” Xukun lines up his cock with Zhengting’s rim, “that between the two of us, I’ve probably had more sexual experiences that would necessitate learning about refractory periods.”

“Listen, just because most of my experience has been via masturbation--”

He’s cut off as Xukun pushes into him, drawing a sound somewhere between a gasp and a whine from his mouth. As Xukun begins to thrust, whatever Zhengting was going to say is lost. Zhengting buries his face in the pillow, letting out little whines into it on every thrust in, as his hips are forced into the bed, rubbing his oversensitive cock against the sheets. Xukun is still relatively gentle with his thrusts, because judging by how vocal Zhengting is while he’s oversensitive, a harder thrust would probably make Zhengting loud enough to attract unwanted attention, either from Xukun’s parents or from the neighbors.

Xukun leans forward, until the skin of his chest is pressing against the skin of Zhengting’s back, the light layers of sweat on both their skin mixing together. Xukun lets his head fall on the pillow next to Zhengting’s, settling his weight over Zhengting because he knows that this makes Zhengting feel protected and safe, and as much as they could pretend that this was for Xukun’s sake, to get him out of his mind, Xukun knows that this is just as much for Zhengting, to erase the memories of what happened in April and instead make him feel protected, feel not alone.

“I love you,” Xukun murmurs, pressing a kiss to Zhengting’s neck in time with another thrust of his hips. Zhengting moans in a response, a proper moan and not a gasp or a whine like he’s been releasing all night. Zhengting’s hard again.

“Xukun, please.”

“What do you want, baby?” He brings a hand around to rest on the pillow, just in case Zhengting gets too loud, before he speeds up his thrusts. “Tell me what to do.”

“I’m almost--almost there, Xukun.” Zhengting starts pressing his hips back against Xukun’s thrusts, and Xukun thinks that he’ll never get over the feeling of having Zhengting in his arms, Zhengting feeling so amazing around him, Zhengting alternating between desperate and snarky every few seconds. Zhengting is real, and Zhengting is his. Zhengting is his. Zhengting is his.

Zhengting comes again, clenching down around Xukun while his hips rut into the sheets. Xukun comes seconds later, filling Zhengting up with his come before he pulls out, deciding that they can clean up their mess in the morning.

“Xukun.”

“Yes?”

“Stay with me.”

“Of course.”

\----

 

Summer turns into fall with a quickness that neither of them could have expected nor quite described. The unbearable summer heat disappears, and with it, Xukun and Zhengting return to Shanghai. They find a little apartment together, one that’s affordable between the money that Xukun’s family contributes--not much, but as much as would be spent living in the dorms--and what Zhengting draws from the money he still has leftover. It’s not enough, not in the long run, but Zhengting finds a job after a month in Shanghai teaching dance to kids after-school, and the money from that job starts to make up the difference.

“Xukun, do you have to work on that now?” Zhengting is curled up on the couch, leaning into the armrest. “My one night of the week where I don’t have to work ridiculously late, and you’re just working on homework. It’s not like you don’t have time to work on it when I’m not home.”

Xukun hums, closing his laptop and moving to sit on the couch. The essay isn’t due until next week, anyway. It can wait. He curls up next to Zhengting, putting an arm around his blanket-clad boyfriend and leaning into his side. “What are you watching?”

The tv is on one of those music programs, the type that plays a mix of the latest songs with a few live-performances and interviews mixed in. “Right now I’m just waiting.”

“Waiting for what?”

“You’ll see.”

Xukun waits with him, watching through another few performances before he hears the beat, sees the six figures on screen. The choreography is new, not one that Xukun’s ever seen performed live before, but it’s not a new song. “Zhengting--”

Zhengting shushes him, and Xukun watches as the rest of NEX7 performs. They do well, and it looks amazing, and Xukun is torn between being happy that the group he loves is doing so well and being sad that the man he loves can’t perform with them. Zhengting doesn’t seem to react at all, though, not until the last notes are played and the screen fades out to the next performance.

“Do you miss them?”

Xukun asks it in the silence that lingers, because even though the sound of the tv continues, it still feels like silence.

“I don’t think I have the right to miss them,” Zhengting says. “But yes, I do.”

“What do you mean you don’t have the right?” Xukun takes his hand. “You lived with them, and practiced with them, and performed with them for _years_. You were their leader. That counts for something, Zhengting.”

“And I was the one who destroyed it, wasn’t I?”

“Zhengting, you didn’t destroy anything, you shouldn’t blame yourself for things you can’t control.”

“I’m not, Xukun.” Zhengting taps his fingers on his thigh. “It wasn’t being gay, or coming out, or any of that. It’s the hurt and the worry that I caused them when I tried to kill myself.

“I’m still haunted by wondering who found me, that day. Because no matter who it was, I know that it must have hurt them especially bad. Because as much as they blamed me for the controversy, as much as they tried to detach from me when they saw the inevitable coming with my contract, they still cared about me just as much as I care about them. And when I imagine being in their situation, finding one of them like that--I just can’t imagine how badly that must hurt.”

Xukun takes a deep breath, and he squeezes Zhengting’s fingers tightly, because sometimes all Zhengting needs is his presence. “Have you talked to them? Since you left and came to meet me in Shanghai?”

“No,” Zhengting says. “I’ve been too worried that I’ll cause them more hurt. Because I’m a reminder that I’m not there, if that makes sense.”

“Kind of,” Xukun says. “But you should talk to them. I’m sure they miss you just as much as you miss them.”

“I’ll message Wenjun soon. I promise.”

 

\----

 

“So should I find the wine, or?”

“No,” Zhengting says, while he rushes around the living room, trying to make sure that all of the blankets and cushions are in the perfect position. “If you have alcohol in a room, Justin will find it. And if you think you can just watch it and not give it to him, he will make pouty eyes at Chengcheng until Chengcheng lets him drink from his glass.”

“Was part of your job as leader just making sure that the underage ones didn’t drink?”

“Yes.” Zhengting looks between two nearly-identical throw pillows, trying to decide which one should be on the left which one on the right side of the couch. “It’s not like they haven’t had alcohol before, but I did try to limit the amount they would consume in my presence.”

Xukun smiles. It’s nice to see Zhengting fussing over these things. “The older ones, though? You didn’t care about them drinking?”

“As long as it wasn’t before a performance, it was none of my business.”

Zhengting’s phone buzzes with another notification. He takes it out to read, typing out a quick reply. “The concert ended a while ago, and they managed to avoid most of the traffic on the way over. They’re coming up now.”

“Can all of them fit in the elevator?”

“Probably not, but they’ll just come up three at a time.”

“Fair enough.”

Zhengting walks to the door, opening it and waiting. Xukun waits in the living room, watching as Zhengting takes a deep breath, and then Xukun watches the excitement and apprehension that crosses his face as the elevator dings. Before they can even get through the door, Zhengting has the first three--Wenjun, Chengcheng, and Justin--enveloped in a group hug. They seem just as eager to hold him again, although they do let go after half a minute or so, just so that they can take off their shoes and get inside the apartment.

“I missed you, Ge,” Justin says as he lets go.

“I missed you too, Minghao,” Zhengting ruffles his hair, even as Justin pouts back at him.

The elevator dings again from the hallway, and before Zhengting can take another deep breath, he has a pair of arms wrapped around him and a fluffy head of hair on his shoulder. “Ge.”

“Quanzhe,” Zhengting rubs his hands up and down the other’s back. “I’m here, Quanzhe, I’m here.”

Justin pouts. “So I get the hair ruffle, but Quanzhe gets the ‘my baby’ treatment? Who’s the youngest here now?”

Quanzhe doesn’t let go of Zhengting, but he does look up, sticking his tongue out at Justin. “Come on, Minghao, you got a hug too,” Zhengting tries to reason.

“Umm, speaking of hugs,” Zeren already has his shoes off, Xinchun standing beside him in the same situation. Zhengting finally lets go of Quanzhe, moving over to give Zeren and Xinchun hugs.

Once they all have their shoes off, Zhengting leads them over to the living room where Xukun is waiting. Xukun sits at the far end of one of the couches, and Zhengting sits beside him, allowing Quanzhe to squeeze in beside him--practically on top of him, really--while the rest settle on the rest of the couch, on the one other chair in the room, or, in the case of Chengcheng and Xinchun, on the floor.

“So, everyone, this is my boyfriend, Xukun,” Zhengting says. “I’d introduce each of you, but Xukun already knows reasonably well who all of you are.”

Chengcheng raises an eyebrow, a note of humor in his voice. “Dating a fan, are you, Zhengting?”

“I mean, technically,” Zhengting smiles. “He’s a lot more than that, though.”

Wenjun, who has taken the single seat, leans forward. “Now, as the leader, I feel obliged to do the parent-style interrogation of your boyfriend.”

“Please don’t,” Xukun replies, grinning. “I’ve already met his actual parents and been through that.”

“I mean, whenever Quanzhe finally gets a date, I have a feeling Zhengting will find a way to contact them and then interrogate them,” Justin says, unfortunately not thinking through the fact that he’s sitting next to Quanzhe. He gets smacked appropriately.

“Anyway, the point is,” Zhengting says, interrupting the string of murmurs that’s likely to occur if he doesn’t stop it, “it’s nice to see you all again. I’ve missed you.”

“Missed you too, Ge.” Chengcheng voices, and the rest all nod, Quanzhe leaning into Zhengting’s side.

They keep talking, the members taking turns telling Zhengting about what the others have been doing in the dorm since he left. There’s still tension in the air, though, starting from Zhengting and radiating out across the room. He’s a bit too tensed, like he can’t quite relax, even though Xukun can tell that he’s trying, unsuccessfully, to make the others relax.

Chengcheng is the one to bring it up. “Zhengting, what’s wrong?”

Zhengting freezes, and they all fall silent, waiting for Zhengting to say something. “After everything that’s happened,” Zhengting begins, “I think that I need to apologize to you all. For making you worry so much about me when you shouldn’t have had to deal with that.”

“Ge, no.” Quanzhe is the one to say it, his arm interlinked with Zhengting’s and cuddled up to his former leader’s side. “It’s not your fault. We don’t fault you for anything. Not for being gay, not for coming out, and not for what you did when you were desperate. If we had any say, you’d still be performing with us, and you’d still be our leader.”

Zhengting lets out a shaky breath. “You have no idea how much I want that too. At the same time,” he turns to look at Xukun, “I don’t think I’d be able to give up what I have now to go back to that, even if I was given the chance.”

Xukun stares at him in wonder, because he knows he’d never be able to make the same choice, were he in Zhengting’s shoes. Maybe, because Zhengting has already stood on that stage, been so much to so many people, he is better able to step away from it.

“I’m happy,” Zhengting says, “that you all are doing so well without me. I hope you won’t forget me, though, in a few years from now when I’m only a memory in the eyes of the fans.”

“Of course,” Justin says. “You’ll always be our leader. And more than that you’ll always be our friend.”

 

\----

 

**@朱正廷**

 

_I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here, and many things have changed in that time. For those of you that are still willing to support me, I’d like to thank you. I know that it must be hard with everything that has happened in the past year, and I appreciate your loyalty. However, I also don’t fault those who no longer support me, especially now that I am no longer a member of NEX7._

_It’s unlikely that I will ever return to the spotlight, given what’s happened this year. I know, again, that that may be difficult for many of you to hear, but I doubt it comes as nearly as much of a surprise. I don’t want anyone to pity me--while I may have lost one path in life, another has opened up for me. I won’t go into detail, as I doubt many of you want to read about it, but yes, those pictures that people have been posting of “sightings of Zhu Zhengting in Shanghai with another boy” really are me. Speculate as you will._

_I doubt I’ll be posting much here following this post. I’m not saying never, but this is me, largely, withdrawing from the public eye. Given everything that has happened, I believe that that is what is best for myself, for my former group, and for my fans. If you have fond memories of my time with NEX7, or even of me as an individual artist, I hope that you will continue to cherish those memories and know that I cherish them just as dearly._

_Nevertheless, it’s time to walk on._

 


End file.
